Wtf? Turkey Day

Okay we sat down as a family to discuss Thanksgiving dinner this year.  Since our family has gotten a lot smaller this year, not by death but by brother and his family moved to Texas and two brothers are getting unhitched. I made the suggestion that we just go to a popular meat and three place in Nashville and call it a day.
First, cause my moms are old and can barely cook dinner each day much less stand over an oven with a 75 pound turkey in it for hours. After much arguing, I made them see it my way and we all agreed that Monell's in Nashville would be the best place to go for 23.99 a person. Done decision made.....or so I thought.
I'm watching TV last night when I hear Nana in the kitchen say she and my nephew are cooking turkey and dressing on Friday. Wtf? Is that not defeating the whole purpose of going out on Thanksgiving?!
I yell to her, "Um, no you're not cooking turkey with Marshall. We are going out on Thursday and that's it for turkey!" To which she screamed, "Oh for Gods sake, okay! I won't cook!"
Oh no she didn't just snap off and scream at me.....so if that wasn't bad enough, an hour later Chandler and I are on our way to Target to get Mimi some hair color so she can get gussied up for Thursdays outing when she calls me on the phone to say, "Hey, can you pick me up two cans of sweetened condensed milk and some cool whip so I can make a caramel pie for Thanksgiving?"
I swear my head just exploded, what part of WE ARE GOING OUT TO EAT AT A RESTAURANT FOR THANKSGIVING are these two dementia women not getting?
I swear I give up!

I'm back bitches....

Yeah, it took me over a year to remember my damn blogger password....just kidding. I've been busy with my two moms, my snarkey husband, and my still

 growing man sized 14 year old son who thinks I'm made of money and that we can go shopping every single afternoon of our lives.

I'll start by saying that living with my two moms is gonna be the death of one of us. I'm not sure if it will be me or I will be killing one or both of them. All has gone fine since April, except for one tiny issue of Mimi leaving dishes in the sink at night. Nana is like the dishes police, okay? She will troll the house every hour or so looking for stray dishes....and then will stand there and talk to you about taking them and putting them in the dishwasher.

On one occasion she sat down in my office to complain about a bowl that was left on the ottoman in the Man Room. I was all, "It's the man room not the kitchen. Omg, please stop trolling the house for dishes!" Um, she then announced that she didn't know why I was so mad cause she didn't even bring the stray bowl on the ottoman up.
I was all, "Can anyone else hear this conversation? Cause I wouldn't have told on myself for leaving a bowl in the man room." At that point, Nana who had just taken some pain meds for her back announces that, "I don't have to stay here and listen to this. I'm out of here." Okay, so she got her keys and her cane, got in the car and drove off. I assumed to just cool down and go to her cousins house to complain about the nasty dishes family that she lives with.
Five hours goes by, I'm scrap booking and minding my own business when my 30 year old nephew runs in the room screaming, "Why is she not back?! Where could she be? It's getting dark outside! Call her cousins!" He called all the cousins and no one had seen her.
At that point my mind took off with me, she is laying in a pain killer induced coma in a ditch somewhere and no one can see her or the car or she has killed an innocent family and is now sitting in jail for old people....I mean it just took off from there some of it involved the hospital and creepy small corn children.
Right at dark, I realized that she can't see to drive at night, so I broke down and called the police. Yep, here they came in about 5 minutes. Dude was 3 feet tall all walking up in my driveway asking if she runs away often. Um, dude she is 67, not 17.  So we stand there and talk for about 10 minutes when here she comes down the road and pulls in the driveway and looks all innocent while saying, "Is there a problem officer?' I swear he had to hold me back from throat punching her.....he looked at me and said, "Do you need to leave until you calm down?"
No, I just went inside and went to bed. I literally could not speak at that point and that never happens to me.  Sorry got completely off course.....

So moral to this story is, if you dirty a dish between the hours of 8 pm and 7 am......DO NOT LEAVE IT IN THE DAMN SINK for Nana to clean up in the morning! Put that shit in the dishwasher that is located right next to it.

Speaking of water, there must be something in the water around here cause two of my brothers are getting divorces this year.  One sister in law I'm gonna miss terribly as I really love her like a sister and the other.....errrr, just chalk it up to lesson learned. I'll keep you posted people....

As our world turns...

So I'm starting with this post to introduce everyone that is going to be living at Happy Manor as of April 2013.
In the photo to your left me or Tina (second girl from the right in the blue), my 13 year old or Chan (the child that is attached to my back), my husand or Kenny (sitted on the floor in front of me), my mother or Mimi (the lady sitting beside me in the turqoise.) and my awesome stepmom or Nana (the lady second from the left standing up in brown). And yep, they both were married to my dad at some point in their lives. My mother when I was born for 12 years and my stepmom for 37 years. My dad pasted a couple years ago and we are just carrying on the tradition.
Neither of them need to live alone so I took on the task of living with not one but both of them under the same roof. This should be interesting to say the least. Love me some old mommas. Wish me luck people...

Damn the Tennessee vehicle title office....

Let me just run down the bullshit list of things I've had to do to get our old car out of our driveway and into my nephews driveway.

** Bank that held the loan sent my original title to an address I lived at 5 fucking years ago. I mean you'd think those bitches would be smart enough to try to contact a bitch before sending something like that out.
** They sent me a Release of Lien so that I could go to the Tag office and apply for my replacement title. Oh yeah, and I lost the first one and they had to send me another. I will tag the blame for fucking this part up cause it took another week to get the second release letter.
** Take off work early to drive to the other side of town to the tag office only to be told that the car has a name of Kerry as my husband. Well bitch I'd say that is the states fault cause it has read like that for the past five years.
** Have to have Kenny fill out an affidavit stating that his name is not Kerry nor has ever been Kerry. And he also had to fill out a Power of Attorney for me to be able to get a replacement title that is in both our names.
** Took my entire lunch yesterday to go to the title place in downtown Nashville, actually had them print me a new title with the correct names.
** Signed the back of the title leaving the amount blank as my criminal nephew doesn't want to pay the state taxes on the whole amount.
** He calls Kenny today ask him to write 500.00 dollars in the price slot. Kenny being the brilliant man that I know and love has written 5.00. To which my well educated criminal nephew scratches out and writes 500.00 dollars.
** The tag place tells him that they can't get him a new title until he gets a notarized letter from me and Kenny stating that we sold him the car for 500.00 because he fucking tampered with the title.

I swear if he goes down there tomorrow with that letter and they don't get that car out of my name, I will go down there and show my fat ass....I mean a giant shit storm with being hitting that office around 4 tomorrow.
By the it has taken to go through all this bullshit I could have built the some bitch a car.....

Bladder named Benjamin Button....

Okay, so my frequent urination thing came back about 4 weeks ago. I've been to two urologists, a walk in clinic, and my primary care doctor to no avail.

So one day on the internet I decided to look up

urogynecologist. There is a office right down from my house and I figured I got nothing to lose since no one else could tell me what is wrong with me. Maybe someone that does bladders and sissies could take a look.

He comes in my room and he is about a half inch from being a full blown midget and we all know how much I crush on some midgets. He has tiny glasses and curly brown hair.....so cute and little.

On the first visit last week he did an initial exam but before he touched me he says, "Well, on the upside I have tiny hands so this shouldn't hurt a bit." Yeah, he's a comedian.

He had me come back yesterday for a cystoscopy. Now I should mention that I'm a huge baby where doctors and needles and bullshit like that are concerned so it really takes a lot for me not to have a complete melt down in their office. I tried not to think about the procedure while at work but as my 1:00 o'clock appointment got near I started to feel like I was gonna vomit.

They took me in the procedure room and just as I suspected it was full of these creepy sex chairs and tables that you'd find in a rapists house. My butt scrunched up immediately. Then the nurse comes in and says, "Go pee in that cup, take your bottoms off, and have a seat on that chair." Omg, will this ever be over.

After what seems like 3 hours she comes back in, does the catheter thing to me, and then does what she calls numbing my urethra. That shit burned like a whore in church and I did start to cry a little bit. I really thought I wasn't gonna like the nurse much but as soon as I showed a tear she was all, "Oh I'm so sorry. I'm done. You'll be really glad I did that in a little bit."

Then she leaves me on the table, with my butt on the edge, and my giant legs in the stirrups. Wtf? Is that really necessary? I swear I laid there for 25 minutes until my ass fell asleep and my feet went completely numb.

When little dude doctor did show up, he was all, "Hey just to be sure I need to hear you tell me what we are doing today." I replied, "You're checking me to be sure I don't have anything that could kill me." He says, "In your foot?" I shot back, "I wish it was my foot but not it's my bladder." Okay, so now we can proceed.

He had me watch the whole thing on his monitor while he took photos. Right inside my urethra I said, "Does that look angry? Cause I think it looks angry?" He has done busted out laughing at me. Next we took a magic carpet ride inside my bladder it's self and watch urine pop out two tiny holes to which he says, "See that you just peed on me." And then he marveled at the fact that he could empty my bladder and it actually shuts down on itself which I screamed, "Omg, it looks like an old dude!" So he decided to name my bladder, Benjamin Button. Awesome dude.

In my head I was all, "Lord please let this be over with and put me back in my convertible, with my pants pulled up, and enjoying this sunny day." Oh and by the way, doc is so little that when he is down there, I can't even see him, I just hear him yell up the canyon every few minutes.

Well we learned two things today, my bladder looks awesome so I can quit freaking out over having bladder cancer and I actually do have two functioning kidneys.

I forgot to mention that I was hit by a car at 8 and it ruptured my right kidney so I think I've been told that I have one kidney and a piece of one. I called the hospital where I was admitted 40 years ago and was met with some laughter on the other end of the phone, seems that don't know where my medical records are at this point.

Oh and my frequent urination is due to my diabetes and I'm the only one that can stop this cycle by keeping my sugar level between 80-110 and losing enough weight to reverse my diabetes. Wish me luck with that bullshit.

The end of the world...

Okay, not for nothing but right after kissing my 12 year old at he stroke of midnight on January 1st that rang in the new year. He started...

Chan: Omg, I'll be glad when this year is over.

Me: Why? We're only 3 seconds in.

Chan: Cause the world is suppose to end on December 21.

Me: Omg, seriously. You're a kid, you're not supposed to be worried about such nonsense.

Chan: Okay, but when it happens I'm gonna tell you I told you so.

Me: Whatever. Go to bed.

I swear he is counting down the days in his stressed out little 12 year old mind when he should be planning time away from us to treat his new found puberty like an amusement park. Which he has found the time for but that's a whole new story that I will tell for another day. I was awful for me.

So now I've found this new show called doomsday preppers. I hate these people, they have it all figured out. I even find myself feeling really unprepared for the future in case something horrible happens.

As far as I've gotten is that we should stock up on twin mattresses at yard sales this summer to pack up in the attic where we will live out at least a year with my food hoard cause as we all know. Zombies aren't smart enough to pull on the little cord that brings the attic door down, hell I can even pull the cord back up into the attic to make it a lot harder for them as they are trying to get to us to eat our brains. I actually made the mistake of joking about this and telling Kenny my plan when my voice of doom teenager walked in and completely freaked out because I was planning for the end of the world.

God, I hope everyone is wrong about December 12th or I'm never gonna hear the end of it and I really would rather not be trapped in my attic on a twin mattress with a drama queen teenager....I wish everyone luck on their doomsday hoard.

Note to self, must buy more bottle water and clean out attic to make room for supplies.... ;]

Omg, I thought this year was gonna be better...

But no, apparently fate has another plan for us this year. I finally did get my tags for my cute new car but then two days later, the check engine light came on.

That's what 15,000 dollars will buy you these days. Took it back up there to them and that jock strap mechanic thought I was just some stupid woman and he just turned the light out. I told him I'd be back in a couple days when it came back on.

So I wasn't even over that trip before Kenny calls me last Friday to tell me that he just got 'let go' by his employer of over 3 years. These assholes said, 'the company was headed in a new direction and that he was invited.' Not sure what that means and wouldn't you know it his boss who is all family oriented and nice couldn't find his balls long enough to get on the phone with me to explain why they let Kenny go. He had his secretary tell me that by law they couldn't talk to me.

Now I'm sorry, but once I went online to post Kenny's resume I found a job that was posted a month earlier on a date that Kenny was out sick for three days. The first days he has ever missed at this company and he had a doctor's note, but they posted his job anyway. I'll be sure to let you all in on what a cult company that was once he gets his final paycheck and his severance...l.then I'm gonna unload on these people.

He had his first interview today but made the mistake of telling them how old he was, he was trying for a warehouse position and I'm not sure they are actually looking for a 47 year old man, when they can get a 18 year old Mexican for half the price. It would serve his old company right by having them pay his unemployment for awhile. I think tonight we'll be having a 'interview' practice....wish me luck.

Oh and I caught my 12 year old son dating his body pillow last night to which I had to have the 'be sure the door is close before treating your body like an amusement park.' talk. Fun.