Does this car make my butt look big?

This photo is from Saturday night at Kenny's Christmas party which was held at the Shrek restaurant at Opryland. So fun.

Okay, so just to show you that people are in the loving holiday spirit I'm gonna tell you two stories that happened in a one week period.

First, some asshole woman in the Kohl's got her twat in a wad because the non speaka Mexican lady that was helping me with my jewelry purchase wasn't getting her box fast enough. My mom (who was in a wheelchair at the time.) and I bought a couple things then decided to purchase one more thing and as we got to the counter, this bitch screams, "R U GONNA GET THOSE BOXES?"

To which little sweet Mexican woman replies, "I'm with a customer right now, I'll be with you in just a moment." Then waddy twat screams, "WE WERE CUSTOMERS FIRST!" Then stormed out the front door but not before me and another lady yelled a bright, "MERRY CHRISTMAS!" to her. I mean it's not bad enough that you're beating up on the one person who is having to endure all of the pesty shoppers three weeks before Christmas but she's helping two fat ladies and one of them is in a wheelchair. Omg, that bitch is going to hell...

Second, I work on a hill and when I have to pull out of our parking lot there are cars falling down the hill at you. They know they're speeding but they do it anyway, so I pulled out and Martha Stewart was flying down the hill at my car. And she might have had to pump her brakes to avoid hitting me.

Well how about this bitch is back there cussing like a sailor and then pulls her cell phone out to take a picture of the back or my car. Wtf? Are you kidding me? Once we got to the stop light, she took another photo to which I held my hands up in the middle of the car so she could see them and started to clap....I mean, "Yah for you Martha! You're taking a photo of a fat girls car." Whatever whore.

And as luck would have it, she turned left right behind me onto the next street and since the speed limit is 35 I made sure to go 15 just to beat that bitch down. As we approached the next light I really had to turn to go meet Kenny for lunch so I made sure to give her the double fuck sign with both my giant man hands. She'll probably be slicing my tires open when I least expect it.

I mean how did this bitch not know that I wasn't carrying an AK47 in my Cruiser to kill her Martha Stewart looking ass for being so obnoxious? You don't do crap that anymore or you'll end up dead on the skreet. And yes, I called it a skreet and not a street. Martha Stewart better check herself before she wrecks herself.

You crazy Mexican bitch...

Okay, so I do payroll for a living and have for the last 15 years but let me just tell you that I've never in my life dealt with a angry Mexican lady like this before.

Cliff notes version is she is a ex employee that quit in 2010. In 2009 we mistakenly set up a child support order against her because the stupid state of New York child support office doesn't provide a social security number on their orders. And there are a bazillion Carlos Hernandez's in the world. Okay?

Now the money came out of her check at a rate of 216.00 per pay period for four months before she finally took it to her clinic manager's attention to which we handed this over to our corporate office to refund her. Long story short, she calls me two years later wanting her 1100.00 dollar refund.

Me: Payroll?

cmb: Hellllooooo, my name Carmeeeen and jew have some monee that belong to me. Jew use my shochal number in fraud. I need my monee sent to me.

Me: (after checking the system.) Ma'am you realize that it's been two years since that money was taken out of your check?

cmb: Who care? I no care how long it's beeeen. Peas, I need my monee.

Me: Okay, can you tell me why you haven't ask for this in the last two years?

cmb: I call jew tousend times, no answer over two year. Jew no call back, jew no answer me.

Me: This is the first time I've ever heard your name.

cmb: Jew call manager she tell jew I what need.

Me: Okay.

cmb: I call back tomorrow.

So after calling her clinic manager I find out that she was actually homeless when she interviewed to stick needles in people and not only did we hire her off the street, we offered her 10,000.00 dollar sign on bonus. Of which she has collected 7500.00. The contract states that if she leaves before two years of service are completed, she owes it back. Well guess what little kiddos, chick quit just shy 2 months of two years. And then she assaulted her clinic manager and had to be taken out of the clinic by the help of some male nurse clinic bouncers. In other words, she is bat shit crazy. Which is exactly why she called the very next day.

Me: Payroll

cmb: Hellllooooo, Tiiiiinnnnnaaaaa do jew got my monee?

Me: Um, no. Do you got our monee? We paid you 7500.00 dollars and you quit before you're two years was up. So after we deduct what we owe you. You need to send us a monee order for 6400.00 dollars. How does that sound?

cmb: What jew talking bout? I no get monee from jew.

Me: Really? Cause we wrote you a 2500.00 dollar check the day after we hired you so you could get an apartment, then we paid you 2500.00 two more times of the last year and a half. Does any of that jog your memory?

cmb: Donde este blah, blah, blah......

She went stupid with some Spanish talking, threw the phone down, then I had to explain the whole shit over again to her friend who didn't speaka much better than she did. And I'll have you know we sent this on to our legal department and these dillholes wrote her a check for the 1100.00. Then turned around and sued her for the 7500.00 dollars cause as they saw it they were two separate issues....okay, it's your money.

I just can't believe some of the damn phone calls I get, I'll share some more as they come down the line.

Sticky Pads ain't no joke...

Okay, so we have had to purchase the sticky pad mouse traps for our house cause trying to bait the little wooden cheap ass ones is a bitch.

So sometimes apparently you catch some unsuspecting little critters instead of mice. I started putting one beside our garage door to catch the mice as they enter through such a huge opening, we caught one a couple weeks ago but he had managed to drag his little mouse ass and the trap across the whole two car garage before he gave up and died.

I sat out another trap and all was fine until we returned from our Christmas shop outing on Saturday. I pulled the car into the garage and Kenny jumps out first to which I guess the bird was flapping his little wings to try and escape from the sticky pad but scared the shit out of my sissy husband instead.

He starts screaming:

Kenny: Omg! Honey I need help!

Me: What? I can't find my phone. Hold on!

Kenny: Hurry!

Me: Omg, what's more important that finding my phone. (which by the way was stuck in my bra the whole time I'm searching the car. Duh...)

Kenny: A baby bird is catch on your stupid sticky pad thing.

Me: Oh, once it's bad...it's my sticky pad thing and not yours. While it was catching mice, it was awesome. Now you're bad mouthing the.....(about this time I rounded the back of the car to see the sweetest tiniest little bird with his feet permanently planted on that sticky pad.) Omg, that's so sad. Oh Kenny he is blinking at me. Do something.

Kenny: What do you want me to do?

Me: Well, we can't get him off. You could just leave him and he should be dead by morning.

Kenny: But he's suffering.

Me: Okay, there's the broom. Whack him over the head, but do it hard enough to kill him with the first hit. (with that being said, Chandler and I ran into the house. we didn't even get the door shut before we heard all the noise.)

Kenny: I'm so sorry little bird....(BAM) Oh God, die little buddy...(BAM) I know this sucks...(BAM) I'm so sorry little guy...(BAM) (BAM) (BAM)

Let me tell you that it seems like an eternity but really it was over in about 6 seconds. Kenny will never be the same. Oh yeah, he can shut people and steal their cars all day long on a video game but ask him to whack a real bird and he comes apart. He was silent for the rest of the day....which was good for us. I hope your Saturday was better than Kenny's...

Black Friday 2011...

This was supposed to be an awesome year to attend Black Friday cause it was the first time Chandler ask to join us. I was gonna show him a great time.

But at about 9:45 pm, Kenny decided that he really was too old and tired to go sit at the Target for two hours just to fight for a 40 inch TV. Needless to say, we had to break the news to our little trooper who was less that thrilled that we were gonna miss the crowds.

So off to bed we went at 11:00 pm, then I woke up at 3:00 am and thought what are we doing in the bed when there is some serious bitch fighting over some Christmas presents and we missing it. I poked Kenny in the butt and said, "Hey, let's go shopping." Then ran and jumped on Chandlers bed to tell him to hop up and let's go fighting, I mean shopping.

So here we are at my moms bedroom door at 3:21 am to head out.

We went to the Target first to find about 15 cars in the parking lot. One of the cashiers was all, "Um, you missed the crowd by about an hour. We've been dead for a little bit." But as luck would have it, I did still score a couple of items that I really wanted at a great price. Then off to Walmart we went and that cashier tells us that the damn fire marshall had to come out and drag some people out as they had reached their occupancy limit. See what I missed cause my husband is old and tired.....I'm gonna have to trade him in for a newer model. Shit!

But on the upside I didn't have to throw any bitch fits this year, I was very calm and loving throughout the day. It was awesome.

Happy Thanksgiving....

This is actually my first without my Daddy, so at some point I must have decided that I really didn't care to even have Thanksgiving due to him not being here cause I couldn't even get up the energy to vacuum.

But I ended up hosting it at my house as my mom and sister in law Barbara both had cateracts surgery the day before so they were useless and makeupless.

So in their honor my sister in law, Stephanie and I decided that we should be a little less attractive for this blessed event. When they come in we were at my scrap table reading the Black Friday ads and when we put our papers down this is what they saw. Let me just tell you they felt a lot better about looking some homeless bitches who can't afford makeup.

And since my brother, Johnny brought some ice cream to the November birthdays that had been half eaten. I made sure to eat some of the carrot cake that my mom made for Thanksgiving the night before. And yes, he had the nerve to say, "Did you bring a used cake to the table?" Um, yes cause you brought some used ice cream to the birthday party.

Things to think about before your next vacation...

*** Don't start out the trip with your giant ass lead foot on the gas petal doing 88 in a 70. You will break your 31 year 'no tickets' record. Ultimately costing you 165.00 dollars. Chandler was totally enjoying it as he had never seen a cop up close and personal. Course Barney Fife ask me if I had any drugs, alcohol, or weapons in the car....I was all,"Um, I like to keep all those things at bay on my family vacation those are for girl weekends. Duh!

*** Be sure not to forget the tiny card that goes in your camera or you'll be pissing the hell off when your standing at the state sign to get your stupid tourist photo taken with a bazillion cars and trucks wizzing by when your camera says 'memory full'. Fuck the card was on my desk, luckily my Droid takes awesome photos.

*** Don't let your husband load the car while you are at work cause you will be 250 miles from home when it dawns on you that when you opened the trunk for the officer you didn't see your hang up clothes. I tapped Kenny on the shoulder and said very politely, 'Hon, what did you do with the blouses that were hanging on hangers next to the luggage?' Then he very kindly said, 'Oh I put those back in the closet." Omg, I had to resist the urge to not pull the car over and beat him to death with an empty wire hanger! I mean do me sideways! Are you kidding me! But on the upside I did get to purchase some cute new tops.

*** Never give your 12 year old a 300 dollar PSP cause at some point he is gonna not be paying attention and not see that he left it on a tile floor, then he is gonna step on it with his 132 pound ass cracking the plasma liquid inside. Oh yeah....I'm gonna kill him.

Are you shitting me?

This photo is of my sons big comfy bed in his awesomely comfy room. That being said he has told me that he wants to attend a Key Largo trip with his classmates in June of 2012, which will only cost me 1200.00.

Okay now I have to ask if my child has me himself. So here is the list of reasons I gave him to bring him back down to earth and off his marine school trip...

** You can't fall asleep without me holding your hand. Yes people, he is the size of a grown man but he can't go to sleep without holding my hand.

** You will only eat chicken nuggets, pizza, and ramon noodles. Um, I don't think the teachers are gonna want to cater to your dietary needs.

** You've never spent the night away from home nor have you ever had a friend sleep over cause that would jack up the whole 'my mom holds my hand till I fall asleep' thing.

** You can't sleep without your king size fluffy blanket or your creepy green body pillow. And something tells me that they won't let you on the plane with your memory foam mattress neither.

The rules would have to be that starting today, he will sleep alone, he will eat what we eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and he will spend the night away from home without getting home sick. He will need to accomplish these before November 11th as that's when the first non refundable deposit of 400.00 is due. Good luck with that little man...