Does this car make my butt look big?

This photo is from Saturday night at Kenny's Christmas party which was held at the Shrek restaurant at Opryland. So fun.

Okay, so just to show you that people are in the loving holiday spirit I'm gonna tell you two stories that happened in a one week period.

First, some asshole woman in the Kohl's got her twat in a wad because the non speaka Mexican lady that was helping me with my jewelry purchase wasn't getting her box fast enough. My mom (who was in a wheelchair at the time.) and I bought a couple things then decided to purchase one more thing and as we got to the counter, this bitch screams, "R U GONNA GET THOSE BOXES?"

To which little sweet Mexican woman replies, "I'm with a customer right now, I'll be with you in just a moment." Then waddy twat screams, "WE WERE CUSTOMERS FIRST!" Then stormed out the front door but not before me and another lady yelled a bright, "MERRY CHRISTMAS!" to her. I mean it's not bad enough that you're beating up on the one person who is having to endure all of the pesty shoppers three weeks before Christmas but she's helping two fat ladies and one of them is in a wheelchair. Omg, that bitch is going to hell...

Second, I work on a hill and when I have to pull out of our parking lot there are cars falling down the hill at you. They know they're speeding but they do it anyway, so I pulled out and Martha Stewart was flying down the hill at my car. And she might have had to pump her brakes to avoid hitting me.

Well how about this bitch is back there cussing like a sailor and then pulls her cell phone out to take a picture of the back or my car. Wtf? Are you kidding me? Once we got to the stop light, she took another photo to which I held my hands up in the middle of the car so she could see them and started to clap....I mean, "Yah for you Martha! You're taking a photo of a fat girls car." Whatever whore.

And as luck would have it, she turned left right behind me onto the next street and since the speed limit is 35 I made sure to go 15 just to beat that bitch down. As we approached the next light I really had to turn to go meet Kenny for lunch so I made sure to give her the double fuck sign with both my giant man hands. She'll probably be slicing my tires open when I least expect it.

I mean how did this bitch not know that I wasn't carrying an AK47 in my Cruiser to kill her Martha Stewart looking ass for being so obnoxious? You don't do crap that anymore or you'll end up dead on the skreet. And yes, I called it a skreet and not a street. Martha Stewart better check herself before she wrecks herself.

You crazy Mexican bitch...

Okay, so I do payroll for a living and have for the last 15 years but let me just tell you that I've never in my life dealt with a angry Mexican lady like this before.

Cliff notes version is she is a ex employee that quit in 2010. In 2009 we mistakenly set up a child support order against her because the stupid state of New York child support office doesn't provide a social security number on their orders. And there are a bazillion Carlos Hernandez's in the world. Okay?

Now the money came out of her check at a rate of 216.00 per pay period for four months before she finally took it to her clinic manager's attention to which we handed this over to our corporate office to refund her. Long story short, she calls me two years later wanting her 1100.00 dollar refund.

Me: Payroll?

cmb: Hellllooooo, my name Carmeeeen and jew have some monee that belong to me. Jew use my shochal number in fraud. I need my monee sent to me.

Me: (after checking the system.) Ma'am you realize that it's been two years since that money was taken out of your check?

cmb: Who care? I no care how long it's beeeen. Peas, I need my monee.

Me: Okay, can you tell me why you haven't ask for this in the last two years?

cmb: I call jew tousend times, no answer over two year. Jew no call back, jew no answer me.

Me: This is the first time I've ever heard your name.

cmb: Jew call manager she tell jew I what need.

Me: Okay.

cmb: I call back tomorrow.

So after calling her clinic manager I find out that she was actually homeless when she interviewed to stick needles in people and not only did we hire her off the street, we offered her 10,000.00 dollar sign on bonus. Of which she has collected 7500.00. The contract states that if she leaves before two years of service are completed, she owes it back. Well guess what little kiddos, chick quit just shy 2 months of two years. And then she assaulted her clinic manager and had to be taken out of the clinic by the help of some male nurse clinic bouncers. In other words, she is bat shit crazy. Which is exactly why she called the very next day.

Me: Payroll

cmb: Hellllooooo, Tiiiiinnnnnaaaaa do jew got my monee?

Me: Um, no. Do you got our monee? We paid you 7500.00 dollars and you quit before you're two years was up. So after we deduct what we owe you. You need to send us a monee order for 6400.00 dollars. How does that sound?

cmb: What jew talking bout? I no get monee from jew.

Me: Really? Cause we wrote you a 2500.00 dollar check the day after we hired you so you could get an apartment, then we paid you 2500.00 two more times of the last year and a half. Does any of that jog your memory?

cmb: Donde este blah, blah, blah......

She went stupid with some Spanish talking, threw the phone down, then I had to explain the whole shit over again to her friend who didn't speaka much better than she did. And I'll have you know we sent this on to our legal department and these dillholes wrote her a check for the 1100.00. Then turned around and sued her for the 7500.00 dollars cause as they saw it they were two separate issues....okay, it's your money.

I just can't believe some of the damn phone calls I get, I'll share some more as they come down the line.

Sticky Pads ain't no joke...

Okay, so we have had to purchase the sticky pad mouse traps for our house cause trying to bait the little wooden cheap ass ones is a bitch.

So sometimes apparently you catch some unsuspecting little critters instead of mice. I started putting one beside our garage door to catch the mice as they enter through such a huge opening, we caught one a couple weeks ago but he had managed to drag his little mouse ass and the trap across the whole two car garage before he gave up and died.

I sat out another trap and all was fine until we returned from our Christmas shop outing on Saturday. I pulled the car into the garage and Kenny jumps out first to which I guess the bird was flapping his little wings to try and escape from the sticky pad but scared the shit out of my sissy husband instead.

He starts screaming:

Kenny: Omg! Honey I need help!

Me: What? I can't find my phone. Hold on!

Kenny: Hurry!

Me: Omg, what's more important that finding my phone. (which by the way was stuck in my bra the whole time I'm searching the car. Duh...)

Kenny: A baby bird is catch on your stupid sticky pad thing.

Me: Oh, once it's bad...it's my sticky pad thing and not yours. While it was catching mice, it was awesome. Now you're bad mouthing the.....(about this time I rounded the back of the car to see the sweetest tiniest little bird with his feet permanently planted on that sticky pad.) Omg, that's so sad. Oh Kenny he is blinking at me. Do something.

Kenny: What do you want me to do?

Me: Well, we can't get him off. You could just leave him and he should be dead by morning.

Kenny: But he's suffering.

Me: Okay, there's the broom. Whack him over the head, but do it hard enough to kill him with the first hit. (with that being said, Chandler and I ran into the house. we didn't even get the door shut before we heard all the noise.)

Kenny: I'm so sorry little bird....(BAM) Oh God, die little buddy...(BAM) I know this sucks...(BAM) I'm so sorry little guy...(BAM) (BAM) (BAM)

Let me tell you that it seems like an eternity but really it was over in about 6 seconds. Kenny will never be the same. Oh yeah, he can shut people and steal their cars all day long on a video game but ask him to whack a real bird and he comes apart. He was silent for the rest of the day....which was good for us. I hope your Saturday was better than Kenny's...