Okay, so my frequent urination thing came back about 4 weeks ago. I've been to two urologists, a walk in clinic, and my primary care doctor to no avail. So one day on the internet I decided to look up
urogynecologist. There is a office right down from my house and I figured I got nothing to lose since no one else could tell me what is wrong with me. Maybe someone that does bladders and sissies could take a look.
He comes in my room and he is about a half inch from being a full blown midget and we all know how much I crush on some midgets. He has tiny glasses and curly brown hair.....so cute and little.
On the first visit last week he did an initial exam but before he touched me he says, "Well, on the upside I have tiny hands so this shouldn't hurt a bit." Yeah, he's a comedian.
He had me come back yesterday for a cystoscopy. Now I should mention that I'm a huge baby where doctors and needles and bullshit like that are concerned so it really takes a lot for me not to have a complete melt down in their office. I tried not to think about the procedure while at work but as my 1:00 o'clock appointment got near I started to feel like I was gonna vomit.
They took me in the procedure room and just as I suspected it was full of these creepy sex chairs and tables that you'd find in a rapists house. My butt scrunched up immediately. Then the nurse comes in and says, "Go pee in that cup, take your bottoms off, and have a seat on that chair." Omg, will this ever be over.
After what seems like 3 hours she comes back in, does the catheter thing to me, and then does what she calls numbing my urethra. That shit burned like a whore in church and I did start to cry a little bit. I really thought I wasn't gonna like the nurse much but as soon as I showed a tear she was all, "Oh I'm so sorry. I'm done. You'll be really glad I did that in a little bit."
Then she leaves me on the table, with my butt on the edge, and my giant legs in the stirrups. Wtf? Is that really necessary? I swear I laid there for 25 minutes until my ass fell asleep and my feet went completely numb.
When little dude doctor did show up, he was all, "Hey just to be sure I need to hear you tell me what we are doing today." I replied, "You're checking me to be sure I don't have anything that could kill me." He says, "In your foot?" I shot back, "I wish it was my foot but not it's my bladder." Okay, so now we can proceed.
He had me watch the whole thing on his monitor while he took photos. Right inside my urethra I said, "Does that look angry? Cause I think it looks angry?" He has done busted out laughing at me. Next we took a magic carpet ride inside my bladder it's self and watch urine pop out two tiny holes to which he says, "See that you just peed on me." And then he marveled at the fact that he could empty my bladder and it actually shuts down on itself which I screamed, "Omg, it looks like an old dude!" So he decided to name my bladder, Benjamin Button. Awesome dude.
In my head I was all, "Lord please let this be over with and put me back in my convertible, with my pants pulled up, and enjoying this sunny day." Oh and by the way, doc is so little that when he is down there, I can't even see him, I just hear him yell up the canyon every few minutes.
Well we learned two things today, my bladder looks awesome so I can quit freaking out over having bladder cancer and I actually do have two functioning kidneys.
I forgot to mention that I was hit by a car at 8 and it ruptured my right kidney so I think I've been told that I have one kidney and a piece of one. I called the hospital where I was admitted 40 years ago and was met with some laughter on the other end of the phone, seems that don't know where my medical records are at this point.
Oh and my frequent urination is due to my diabetes and I'm the only one that can stop this cycle by keeping my sugar level between 80-110 and losing enough weight to reverse my diabetes. Wish me luck with that bullshit.
