Damn the Tennessee vehicle title office....

Let me just run down the bullshit list of things I've had to do to get our old car out of our driveway and into my nephews driveway.

** Bank that held the loan sent my original title to an address I lived at 5 fucking years ago. I mean you'd think those bitches would be smart enough to try to contact a bitch before sending something like that out.
** They sent me a Release of Lien so that I could go to the Tag office and apply for my replacement title. Oh yeah, and I lost the first one and they had to send me another. I will tag the blame for fucking this part up cause it took another week to get the second release letter.
** Take off work early to drive to the other side of town to the tag office only to be told that the car has a name of Kerry as my husband. Well bitch I'd say that is the states fault cause it has read like that for the past five years.
** Have to have Kenny fill out an affidavit stating that his name is not Kerry nor has ever been Kerry. And he also had to fill out a Power of Attorney for me to be able to get a replacement title that is in both our names.
** Took my entire lunch yesterday to go to the title place in downtown Nashville, actually had them print me a new title with the correct names.
** Signed the back of the title leaving the amount blank as my criminal nephew doesn't want to pay the state taxes on the whole amount.
** He calls Kenny today ask him to write 500.00 dollars in the price slot. Kenny being the brilliant man that I know and love has written 5.00. To which my well educated criminal nephew scratches out and writes 500.00 dollars.
** The tag place tells him that they can't get him a new title until he gets a notarized letter from me and Kenny stating that we sold him the car for 500.00 because he fucking tampered with the title.

I swear if he goes down there tomorrow with that letter and they don't get that car out of my name, I will go down there and show my fat ass....I mean a giant shit storm with being hitting that office around 4 tomorrow.
By the it has taken to go through all this bullshit I could have built the some bitch a car.....

Bladder named Benjamin Button....

Okay, so my frequent urination thing came back about 4 weeks ago. I've been to two urologists, a walk in clinic, and my primary care doctor to no avail.

So one day on the internet I decided to look up

urogynecologist. There is a office right down from my house and I figured I got nothing to lose since no one else could tell me what is wrong with me. Maybe someone that does bladders and sissies could take a look.

He comes in my room and he is about a half inch from being a full blown midget and we all know how much I crush on some midgets. He has tiny glasses and curly brown hair.....so cute and little.

On the first visit last week he did an initial exam but before he touched me he says, "Well, on the upside I have tiny hands so this shouldn't hurt a bit." Yeah, he's a comedian.

He had me come back yesterday for a cystoscopy. Now I should mention that I'm a huge baby where doctors and needles and bullshit like that are concerned so it really takes a lot for me not to have a complete melt down in their office. I tried not to think about the procedure while at work but as my 1:00 o'clock appointment got near I started to feel like I was gonna vomit.

They took me in the procedure room and just as I suspected it was full of these creepy sex chairs and tables that you'd find in a rapists house. My butt scrunched up immediately. Then the nurse comes in and says, "Go pee in that cup, take your bottoms off, and have a seat on that chair." Omg, will this ever be over.

After what seems like 3 hours she comes back in, does the catheter thing to me, and then does what she calls numbing my urethra. That shit burned like a whore in church and I did start to cry a little bit. I really thought I wasn't gonna like the nurse much but as soon as I showed a tear she was all, "Oh I'm so sorry. I'm done. You'll be really glad I did that in a little bit."

Then she leaves me on the table, with my butt on the edge, and my giant legs in the stirrups. Wtf? Is that really necessary? I swear I laid there for 25 minutes until my ass fell asleep and my feet went completely numb.

When little dude doctor did show up, he was all, "Hey just to be sure I need to hear you tell me what we are doing today." I replied, "You're checking me to be sure I don't have anything that could kill me." He says, "In your foot?" I shot back, "I wish it was my foot but not it's my bladder." Okay, so now we can proceed.

He had me watch the whole thing on his monitor while he took photos. Right inside my urethra I said, "Does that look angry? Cause I think it looks angry?" He has done busted out laughing at me. Next we took a magic carpet ride inside my bladder it's self and watch urine pop out two tiny holes to which he says, "See that you just peed on me." And then he marveled at the fact that he could empty my bladder and it actually shuts down on itself which I screamed, "Omg, it looks like an old dude!" So he decided to name my bladder, Benjamin Button. Awesome dude.

In my head I was all, "Lord please let this be over with and put me back in my convertible, with my pants pulled up, and enjoying this sunny day." Oh and by the way, doc is so little that when he is down there, I can't even see him, I just hear him yell up the canyon every few minutes.

Well we learned two things today, my bladder looks awesome so I can quit freaking out over having bladder cancer and I actually do have two functioning kidneys.

I forgot to mention that I was hit by a car at 8 and it ruptured my right kidney so I think I've been told that I have one kidney and a piece of one. I called the hospital where I was admitted 40 years ago and was met with some laughter on the other end of the phone, seems that don't know where my medical records are at this point.

Oh and my frequent urination is due to my diabetes and I'm the only one that can stop this cycle by keeping my sugar level between 80-110 and losing enough weight to reverse my diabetes. Wish me luck with that bullshit.

The end of the world...

Okay, not for nothing but right after kissing my 12 year old at he stroke of midnight on January 1st that rang in the new year. He started...

Chan: Omg, I'll be glad when this year is over.

Me: Why? We're only 3 seconds in.

Chan: Cause the world is suppose to end on December 21.

Me: Omg, seriously. You're a kid, you're not supposed to be worried about such nonsense.

Chan: Okay, but when it happens I'm gonna tell you I told you so.

Me: Whatever. Go to bed.

I swear he is counting down the days in his stressed out little 12 year old mind when he should be planning time away from us to treat his new found puberty like an amusement park. Which he has found the time for but that's a whole new story that I will tell for another day. I was awful for me.

So now I've found this new show called doomsday preppers. I hate these people, they have it all figured out. I even find myself feeling really unprepared for the future in case something horrible happens.

As far as I've gotten is that we should stock up on twin mattresses at yard sales this summer to pack up in the attic where we will live out at least a year with my food hoard cause as we all know. Zombies aren't smart enough to pull on the little cord that brings the attic door down, hell I can even pull the cord back up into the attic to make it a lot harder for them as they are trying to get to us to eat our brains. I actually made the mistake of joking about this and telling Kenny my plan when my voice of doom teenager walked in and completely freaked out because I was planning for the end of the world.

God, I hope everyone is wrong about December 12th or I'm never gonna hear the end of it and I really would rather not be trapped in my attic on a twin mattress with a drama queen teenager....I wish everyone luck on their doomsday hoard.

Note to self, must buy more bottle water and clean out attic to make room for supplies.... ;]

Omg, I thought this year was gonna be better...

But no, apparently fate has another plan for us this year. I finally did get my tags for my cute new car but then two days later, the check engine light came on.

That's what 15,000 dollars will buy you these days. Took it back up there to them and that jock strap mechanic thought I was just some stupid woman and he just turned the light out. I told him I'd be back in a couple days when it came back on.

So I wasn't even over that trip before Kenny calls me last Friday to tell me that he just got 'let go' by his employer of over 3 years. These assholes said, 'the company was headed in a new direction and that he was invited.' Not sure what that means and wouldn't you know it his boss who is all family oriented and nice couldn't find his balls long enough to get on the phone with me to explain why they let Kenny go. He had his secretary tell me that by law they couldn't talk to me.

Now I'm sorry, but once I went online to post Kenny's resume I found a job that was posted a month earlier on a date that Kenny was out sick for three days. The first days he has ever missed at this company and he had a doctor's note, but they posted his job anyway. I'll be sure to let you all in on what a cult company that was once he gets his final paycheck and his severance...l.then I'm gonna unload on these people.

He had his first interview today but made the mistake of telling them how old he was, he was trying for a warehouse position and I'm not sure they are actually looking for a 47 year old man, when they can get a 18 year old Mexican for half the price. It would serve his old company right by having them pay his unemployment for awhile. I think tonight we'll be having a 'interview' practice....wish me luck.

Oh and I caught my 12 year old son dating his body pillow last night to which I had to have the 'be sure the door is close before treating your body like an amusement park.' talk. Fun.

Car Bazaar and CVS

Omg, I'm staring the new year off with a fucking thud. First, my husband had to go to the CVS across town today because the one on our side of town didn't have my child's medication in stock.

Then he was told by the other one that they couldn't possibly fill it for him cause they have no record of our child or us. So this went down....

Megan: Hello CVS pharmacy, I'm Megan.

Me: Megan, my name is Tina and I have a question for you. Why in the hell would you not be able to find me or my husband in your system if we have been getting our prescriptions at the location just three miles from you? Could you answer that?

Megan: Are you Chandler's mom?

Me: Yes, I am.

Megan: Well I did a search of our.....

Me: Would it help if I gave you a prescription number off a bottle I picked up from them yesterday?

Megan: Sure. (gave the number and she still couldn't find it.)

Me: This is ridiculous. Are you run out of someones basement in PoDunk Tennessee? I mean really?

Megan: I tell you what, I'm gonna call your location and get all the information I need to fill this for you. How does that sound.

Me: Awesome Megan. And you just dodged a bullet.

Megan: I'm sure. We'll see you in a little bit.

Okay, so thanks to Megan I didn't have to throw a fit. But then I left work early to get to our state tag office to pick up my tags for my new cute car (see photo above.) Now let me tell you first that I had my husband go down to the sorry excuse for a dealership to pick up my so called title two days ago. Oh and I paid cash for the car and this went down.....

Tag girl: Here you go, here is your new tag.

Me: So what happens with the title.

Tag girl: Well it states here that there is a lien with Green bank so the title will go to them.

Me: Pump the brakes....I paid cash for the car.

Tag girl: Oh, you bought it at Car Bazaar....(then she went into an evil laugh.)

Girl at next desk: Did you say Car Bazaar?

Tag girl: Yep, they got another one.

Me: Omg what are you talking about?

Tag girl: Well, they are pretty worthless from what we can tell as about 8 out of 10 people who buy from them have the exact look on their faces that you have right now. They ultimately screw something up to where people can't get their tags.

Me: Oh hell no...(pulling my cell out of my bra, I call CB only to be met with an answering machine. I mean what kind of establishment has an answering machine if they want to sell a fucking car? So I left a message out loud in front of my new audience.) Yeah, My name is Tina and I paid cash for a car from you two weeks ago and I'm now standing in the tag office trying to get tags but am being told that there is a lien on my car. Call me back immediately to hand me my fucking 15 thousand dollars back you asshole!

Tag girl: That was awesome.

Me: Oh no, I'm going down there that is gonna be even more awesome.

Tag girl: Sweetie you should probably calm down before you get there.

Me: You should probably call the Franklin police to give them a heads up.

So off I storm out the door and then I call my mom. She is trying to calm me down for the whole two miles to get to the damn place and I swear to you that they were closed. At 4:20 pm on a Thursday....closed, dark, doors locked. I screamed to my mother that I had to and I would call her back. I called information and got the location in Nashville....

Dude: Thanks for calling Car Bazaar, how may I help you?

Me: Yeah is Elvis there. (Elvis is the manager for both locations.)

Dude: No, he's at the Franklin location today.

Me: No, he's not.

Dude: Yes, maam he is.

Me: I'm standing in the parking lot in Franklin. Now unless he is dead inside with all the lights out then he's not here.

Dude: Well he's sup........

Me: Get me the owner to the phone.

Dude: What...um...who?

Me: Yeah dude, it's O W N E R. Owner to the phone. The man that owns the car dealership. Him. Get him to the phone.

Dude: He's not here.

Me: Then get me someone who is fucking in charge, please. (I hear him go over to some guy and say, "good luck.")

Bob: Hello this Bob, can I help you?

Me: Bob, I'm gonna give you the cliff notes version of what's taken place. I bought a car two weeks ago in Franklin, I paid cash, I picked up a title two days ago, I went to the tag office today to get my tags and was told that there is a lien on my car at Green Bank. Would you like to explain how there could be a lien when I paid cash for the car.

Bob: Well yes maam, see we take your money and pay it to the bank then they send us the title.

Me: Then why the fuck did he give me a title two days ago that is completely useless?

Bob: Which car did you buy?

Me: The 06 convertible beetle. Blue.

Bob: Oh it says right here on your paperwork that your title will be here tomorrow.

Me: What the fuck are you talking about? I picked it up two days ago.

Bob: The one you picked up has the name of the girl that we bought it from. The one that will be here tomorrow has your name on it.

Me: You have got to be kidding me? Oh and by the way your company is a fucking joke with tag office here.

Bob: What does that mean?

Me: Well they said that you guys do this all the time and that most people you sell cars to have the same look of bewilderment on their faces that I did.

Bob: I'm really sorry that they didn't explain any of this to you. But your title will be at their office by 10:30 in the morning.

Me: If it is not, I'm here to tell you that you will need call the the police cause I will be down there to key every vehicle that is sitting on that lot. Do you understand me?

Bob: I do and again I'm really sorry for all of this.

I swear he's probably blowing some seriously filthy smoke up my ass. But I will be on their phone in the morning at 9:30 and will call every 5 minutes until I get the title in my name.....wish me luck people.